The Case of the Disappearing Belly Button

Some already aware of the fact that I'm almost 5 months, 3 weeks pregnant (if you've seen me lately, it's definitely not hard to figure out). I guess the reason I'm posting this 'disclaimer' if-you-will is because it's pretty much the focus in my life right now and feel the need to let everyone who may read this know my circumstances. Seems better than just ambushing everyone with pictures and non-nonsensical posts about swelling feet, mood swings, and crazy cravings. I want this blog to be as honest as possible and well, let's face it, I'm pregnant with an ex-coworkers son and I'm trying desperately to figure out how to make the best of the situation. So forgive me for the ensuing brain spew.
I love this baby more than anything. I love his nudges, his occasional punches and kicks when I'm trying to nap, the way my tummy is beginning to stretch in the most bizarre proportions, and how when my stomach rumbles the noise seems to come from where my left lung should be. He is my everything. He has changed my life forever. I trust that I could have come back to God in another way, but I learned this way. Baby Jamie has taught me that I am not an evil person, but he has also taught me that I'm not exactly Ashley the benevolent either. I am Ashley. I have good things about me and things I need to work on. I can't beat myself up for the mistakes I've made (which is many), but I can move forward and learn from them. I've rediscovered my love for the gospel. I was so scared that if I prayed God would punish me by not listening until he thought I was sufficiently humbled. How wrong I was. As soon as I began to pray my life was flooded with love from every direction. I had quite the negative view of humanity--I thought everyone, including my family, would treat me as the black sheep and I would bring shame to every conversation, every mention of my situation. It all boils down to how I viewed myself. I didn't think there was anything legitimate to love about myself. Yes, I could be fun to be around--good at sports, witty conversation, and I knew that if I dolled myself up I could get certain guys to fall for me. Not anyone that I'd really want to spend the rest of my life with, mind you, but the attention filled a void for me. I really didn't believe that if someone knew absolutely everything I had done that they could love me. My reasoning being if I couldn't love myself knowing everything, how could anyone else possibly even like me knowing just a little bit about my past? What was the worth in changing when I couldn't ever erase what I'd done? It made more sense to just cut my losses (aka the gospel and a temple marriage) and move on. I am beyond grateful for the affirmation again and again that I am loved, truly loved, and that nothing will ever ever change that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who will always have his arms outstretched for me.
I don't know really what else to say. I love the trust I've developed with my Heavenly Father; how I can tell him all of my fears and ask him to replace them with peace and how he always does. I'm still officially undecided whether or not I'm going to raise Jamie or place him with family. I've found a family that I'd like to contact and I'm going to see how it goes. God is the only one who knows what is going to be best for me and for this tiny miracle. And although sometimes that scares the crap out of me and I wish I could just know, most of the time I'm pretty confident the Lord knows what he's doing. :]
Anyways, I think that's enough for today. I am going to start to post pictures though-I'm pretty much growing at mach speed now and its looking too ridiculous to not share with the world. :]