Thoughts

I've never been very proud of my past. But until the last 6 months or so I had more or less a general embarrassment of general behaviors. I didn't recognize the full extent of what I did wrong and what's worse, I still clung to rationalizations of why I did what I did which prevented me from taking full responsibility for my actions. Gradually I've been given new eyes to be able to more clearly see my past for what it was. I am incredibly grateful for this. As much as I have grown, however, there is always more to learn. The restoration of my 'eyesight' has been particularly painful recently as I've been moving into my parent's house and I've had the chance to look through some old letters. I can't help but see with new eyes the specific way I've abused what I didn't know I had. To say I'm embarrassed would make it about me, which I don't want to do. But I don't think there are words to express how my soul aches for what I've done and what I've lost. Perhaps there were lessons to be learned by the offended party, but nobody should ever have to endure the hell I put them through. I think what makes it particularly disgusting is not the actions I took--and they were beyond terrible I assure you--but rather how I could not see what I had. I had something truly amazing and unique and beyond precious and I simply didn't recognize its worth.
I don't want this to end up a pity-party or anything like it, but I think that honestly is vital in this process of restoring my soul. There are specific, significant parts of my past that cannot be labeled as anything other than a tragedy. That does not mean I haven't learned anything from my mistakes. And I do have genuine faith in the healing I've experienced and in my future. But the remorse I feel for how I've hurt myself and others in the past is very real. I am sorry to those I have hurt. And I hope and pray that your healing has been as full of love and genuine spiritual progress as mine has been and will continue to be.