Bleh

I wish I could say that I was feeling better, but I'm not. Things seem to be falling apart in my life right now. Relationships, good blood sugar control, decisions that I felt so sure of, etc. It's pretty miserable. I feel like I'm doing my part, but I guess I'm not. I've read everything my caseworker has given me, I've hired a doula to help with the birth, I measure everything I eat, I make sure to stay busy--today I made clothespin creatures with my nieces!--but I continue to feel completely and utterly miserable and hopeless. I keep saying that I have faith that things will work out, but my mind is constantly waging a war against itself questioning my motivation for everything I do and my fundamental ability to "work this one out." I can't stop thinking about all of the people I've failed in my life and how I fear my selfish trend of using and abusing people will never really end because I can't distinguish the why behind what I want and how that affects the way I interact with others. I'm beginning to resent and push away everyone who is close to me. I feel stuck, and I'm beginning to believe I deserve it.