Happy Days

Well I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep and now is as good a time as any to update, so here I am!

I am so happy.

I want to try and explain this feeling. It's not simply the emotional and physical excitement that comes from the journey of bringing a child into this world. Although I want to make clear I don't discount those feelings--they are real and I am not a fan when people talk about "oh those crazy hormones" like they're to blame for emotions considered vulnerable or weak by others. Those hormones and feelings are *supposed* to happen. And they are not weak by any stretch of the imagination. They are argueably the most powerful and most important emotions that exist in the entire human experience. They facilitate a nearly inpenetrable bond that is vital to a child's physiological survival.
I reserve the right to continue that rant later. I thought I'd start it now before I lose most of my credibility because, for some reason, mothers who feel strongly about something are usually put into a box labeled "crazy." (MADD has eluded this box and good for them!)
My journey has definitely been emotional, but the last few months especially have been more spiritual than anything else. I am so grateful for this because I believe the distance I've felt emotionally between myself and my son has helped me be able to better recognize answers to prayers without confusion as to where my impressions were coming from. I wanted to make sure that my decision was based on spiritual revelation rather than emotional turmoil. And because I was able to do that I know that I'm making a decision that I can live with for the rest of my life, despite challenges that undoubtedly will come my way. So, for the most part, I think it's safe to say that I've spent the majority of my time exploring the logical side of things and postponing the emotional to "deal with later." I don't want this to sound like I haven't been feeling or acknowledging emotions as they come, but I didn't know how to prepare myself emotionally for when I eventually came to a decision. My caseworker suggested that I try doing emotional visualizations to prepare for birth. This (err yesterday) morning I tried it. I imagined being in the hospital and experiencing fear and imagined the emotion passing through me, rather than immediately rejecting or accepting it. I think this exercise, coupled with the peace/relief/release I've felt about finally having a decision and the reality check of making an induction date, allowed me to finally begin to experience the tip of the titanic-sized iceberg of emotions that I'm pretty dang sure will happen at birth.
So after that very long prelude, let me explain how I feel. This is a consuming joy. This child did much more than change my life, he saved it. He will continue to change (and save) my life as he grows from a tiny, perfect human being to a messy, curious and insightful toddler to an oftentimes awkward teenager to a man who will someday marry an incredibly lucky girl and have a family of his own. I feel so blessed to have been chosen as the guardian of this powerful spirit. And I think words are not powerful enough to describe how excited I am to meet him. I know a little about him. I know he loves music and I know that he loves me. And not just because he's hardwired too, either. I also know that he trusts me completely. And I will do all that I can to be the best example for him. What else can I say? In a week this journey will segway into an adventure that I can't possibly begin to be fully prepared for. But this is right. And it is good. It will be difficult, but so were these last 9 months and I wouldn't trade any of those difficulties for anything in the world. Trials have a way of backing us into corners where all we can look is up. I thank my Heavenly Father for having the wisdom to trust me with such a "trial" as this one. If I can have moments of this kind of penetrating, intense, all-consuming joy, then I can have faith I'll enjoy this next leg of my journey and be able to recognize my trials as the blessings they have and will become, and really are from the beginning.